Shattering Hidden Ableism: How Discovering My Neurodiversity Transformed Wellness and Redefined My World
And how making the connection between neurodiversity and ableism catalyzed it all…
For most of my life, I didn’t even realize I was carrying this invisible weight. Being misunderstood, misinterpreted, and mislabeled had shaped the way I saw myself so deeply that it became second nature to question everything about who I was. I didn’t know how much this was tied to the antagonizing relationship between neurodiversity and ableism—two forces that influence so much of how we navigate the world, often without realizing it.
When I finally learned I was neurodiverse, it was like I had been handed the missing piece to a puzzle I didn’t know I was trying to solve. For the first time, I could see that the challenges I thought were personal failures were never mine to carry. They were signs of a world that wasn’t built with me in mind.
But seeing this also brought up another truth– a hard one. I had absorbed so much ableism, both from the world and from myself, that it became a quiet, insidious part of my life. Unpacking it was going to be a journey, one that I’m still on today.
Breaking Down Biases: The Link Between Neurodiversity and Ableism
Biases are the lenses through which we interpret the world, and they often operate without our awareness. For neurodivergent individuals, these biases can take the form of ableism—assumptions and structures that favor neurotypical ways of thinking, behaving, and interacting.
Ableism often labels neurodiverse traits as “flaws” or “deficiencies” rather than natural variations. For example, a neurodivergent person’s need for quiet or their unique problem-solving approach might be misunderstood as antisocial behavior or inefficiency. Many neurodiverse people face scrutiny for their challenges with emotional regulation, heightened rejection sensitivity and so much more. These biases not only shape societal systems but also seep into the internal narratives of neurodiverse individuals, leading to cycles of self-doubt and shame.
Recognizing the link between neurodiversity and ableism is a critical step in breaking these patterns. When we question assumptions about productivity, success, or even social interaction, we begin to see that “different” does not mean “less.” It means adaptable, creative, and capable in ways that often go unnoticed.
Reflection Question: Have you ever felt judged or dismissed for approaching something differently? What would it look like to reframe those moments as strengths instead of deficits?
Navigating Internalized Beliefs: Neurodiversity and Ableism
Before my discovery of how neurodiverse I was, I spent years wondering why things seemed so much harder for me than they were for others. Why couldn’t I organize my life the way I wanted to? Why did simple social exchanges drain me while others seemed to thrive on them? Why was I always told I was “too much” or “not enough”? Why did it feel like I was swimming upstream against current where floating, tossing their head back, even laughing? I recalled struggling more than my peers with the most random things as far back into my childhood– grappling anxiety, self-doubt and more shame than one would expect of a young child.
Without the framework of neurodiversity, I blamed myself. I thought I needed to try harder, be stronger but also more chill, or somehow fix whatever was “broken” in me. But no matter how much I masked, conformed, or overperformed, it never felt like enough.
Unpacking Unseen Ableism
Discovering my neurodiversity felt like finding a missing puzzle piece. But with that clarity came another revelation—one that unfolded in stages: the ways I had unknowingly absorbed ableist ideals. These beliefs whispered that my differences were deficits and that success meant mimicking neurotypical behavior at all costs. I began to see how these ideas had quietly infiltrated my body image, shaped my relationships, and delivered the final blow in every breakdown I experienced.
I had been holding myself to impossible standards, succeeding in some ways, yet always berating myself for needing rest, and holding myself to ridiculous productivity standards, too. And this was in the midst of my exploring self-compassion and working to embody it more in my life– I thought I had dismantled nearly everything left that wasn’t true within me. But here I was still on a self-imposed hamster wheel– a survival mechanism in a world that mostly prizes productivity and conformity over authenticity.
What Happens When the World Sees You Wrong
One of the hardest, most nuanced and impactful lessons of my journey has been understanding that other people’s perceptions of me are filtered through their own biases—and it’s not my responsibility to fix or engage with this. Even when I came to understand that other people’s opinions of me had nothing to do with me, I didn’t fully grasp how deeply we are all shaped by our internal biases.
I thought the inner work I was doing so fervently to improve myself wasn’t as necessary for others. Now I see that everyone needs and deserves mindfulness, self-compassion, and resourceful inner work. But not everyone is willing—or well-resourced enough—to be curious about it. When in a constant state of survival, how can you even know which way is up? Everything else falls to the wayside.
I didn’t realize how much this resonated with my own experience of trying to keep up with the rapid advancements of the world and my peers. Add to this the years of being misunderstood, more often than not, and not really being able to pinpoint why. I was often seen in extremes—either as amazing and overachieving or as lazy, disorganized, or even difficult. In reality, I was always adapting to a system that didn’t account for how I process the world.
Redefining Strength and Success
In identifying, challenging, and unlearning these patterns, I began to see the strengths that neurodiversity brings:
- Creative Problem-Solving: My mind finds connections where others see only chaos.
- Deep Empathy: My lived experiences gave me the capacity to hold space for others in profound ways.
- Resilience: Surviving in a world that wasn’t designed for me taught me adaptability and persistence.
These are the traits that now shape my work with Adriana Alternative. They definitely aren’t weaknesses, they’re powerful and transformative tools that help me connect, create, and build something meaningful.
A Wellness Space That Honors Complexity
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that wellness isn’t about fixing things that were never broken. It’s about making space for who we are, as we are. Adriana Alternative was born from this understanding, built to create resources and connections that honor the messy, beautiful reality of being human.
My journey wasn’t just about finding answer– it was about challenging the systems and narratives that told me I needed fixing. It’s why I’m so passionate about neuro-inclusive coaching & resources, community events, and tools that go beyond the surface.
Neurodiversity, especially when unidentified, is uniquely vulnerable to toxic productivity standards and ableism, often due to misconceptions about how neurodivergent individuals engage with the world.
Want to explore more resources about neurodiversity and ableism?
Check out this post about ableism and how to identify it in the workplace.
Breaking Cycles of Shame
Breaking free from cycles of shame begins with understanding the beliefs and biases that perpetuate them. For neurodivergent individuals, shame often stems from a lifetime of feeling “different” in ways that were misunderstood or dismissed. Society’s ableist standards often label our unique ways of thinking and behaving as deficits rather than strengths, fostering self-doubt and internalized criticism.
To disrupt this cycle, we must first recognize the role of systemic ableism— not just in the world around us but in the beliefs we’ve unconsciously adopted about ourselves. This isn’t a one-time epiphany; it’s an ongoing process of unlearning, self-compassion, and seeing ourselves through a lens of acceptance rather than judgment.
Just as uncovering ableism helps redefine wellness, understanding relationship dynamics– like avoidant or manipulative behavior– can be equally liberating. Our neurodivergent traits can often influence how we navigate relationships, being overly empathetic or even naive to poor behavior, but learning to recognize patterns can lead to healthier connections. For more on that, check out this article on Recognizing and Healing from Avoidant and Manipulative Relationships.
When we shift from a place of shame to a place of understanding, we create space for growth and deeper connection—not only with others but with ourselves. By challenging these ingrained patterns and embracing a more compassionate perspective, we can begin to see our neurodiversity as a source of strength and come to naturally associate it with being innately worthy (regardless of who you are and how you present), rather than a hurdle to overcome.
Whether it’s untangling the layers of internalized ableism or breaking cycles in your relationships, you don’t have to navigate it alone. Our 1:1 coaching offers a personalized, compassionate space to explore your unique challenges with personalized resources, practical tools, and proven strategies to move forward. Ready to explore your journey to liberation and healing? Book a free discovery call today, and let’s create a life that aligns with your true self.
A Call for Nuance and Compassion
It’s so easy to judge what we don’t understand, to dismiss someone’s behaviors or struggles as laziness or a lack of effort. But the truth is, we rarely know what someone else is navigating.
What if, instead of assuming, we paused? What if we approached others with curiosity rather than criticism? Recognizing our own biases is a powerful step toward creating a more compassionate, inclusive world—one that holds space for complexity rather than rushing to judgment.
Healing, connection, and growth all start with nuance. To truly understand behavior, we must look beyond individual actions and consider the systems that shape them. The conversation about neurodiversity and ableism is a crucial part of addressing broader systemic barriers in education, healthcare, and employment—factors that significantly influence how people adapt and respond to their environments. By recognizing these influences, we can challenge biases, foster inclusivity, and approach others with greater empathy and understanding.
Join the Community
This journey isn’t one anyone has to walk alone. Every Thursday at 11 AM PST, I host live events on Insight Timer, diving into neurodiversity, radical self-acceptance, and strategies for building a life that works for you. These sessions are a chance to connect with others, explore practical tools, and find the support we all deserve.