Neurodiversity or Narcissism?
Relationships are complex enough on their own, but when neurodivergence enters the picture, things can become even more layered. Late diagnosis brings a new lens of understanding to our behaviors—and the behaviors of those around us.
One of the most surprising realizations I had after my late diagnosis was how certain neurodivergent adaptations—my own and others’—can look an awful lot like the traits we associate with avoidant or narcissistic personalities. The truth is, these behaviors are not about toxicity; they’re about survival.
Behavior as Survival: Why It Happens
If you’re neurodiverse, you’ve likely spent much of your life adapting to a world that doesn’t always accommodate you. These adaptations often form unconsciously, helping you navigate challenges but sometimes leading to behaviors that can strain relationships. Ironically, neurodiverse individuals, often guided by a strong sense of justice, honesty, and a need for clear communication, may find themselves displaying the very behaviors that cause them stress. When neurodiverse people don’t realize they are neurodiverse, it’s easy to unknowingly adopt avoidant tendencies or other patterns modeled by their peers. Some examples of these tendencies can be:
- Avoidance: For neurodivergent individuals, avoidance can stem from sensory overwhelm, emotional exhaustion, fear of rejection or from experiences with an avoidant caretaker in childhood. What may look like indifference or withdrawal to others is often a defense mechanism to maintain balance in an overstimulating world or to hold others at a psychological and emotional distance to maintain a sense of normalcy or control.
- Validation-Seeking: Constantly feeling misunderstood or undervalued can lead to behaviors that seem self-centered or overly focused on achievements. It’s not blatant arrogance—it’s about reclaiming a sense of worth and fitting into certain societal expectations and standards.
There are many other ways these tendencies can appear and manifest so it’s important to always leave room for nuance.
Neurodivergence and Late Diagnosis
When I discovered my neurodiversity later in life- I started to see these patterns in myself and the people I dated. I thought dating other neurodivergent people might be the solution—they’d “get it,” right? But I hadn’t anticipated how undiagnosed or unsupported neurodivergence can manifest in ways that feel eerily similar to toxic or narcissistic traits.
Many neurodivergent individuals, especially those who are undiagnosed, develop adaptations that mirror behaviors like avoidance or manipulation. These behaviors aren’t malicious—they’re survival strategies in a world that doesn’t meet their needs.
The Parallel to Narcissism and Avoidance
Understanding that these behaviors are adaptations, not inherently toxic traits, changes the lens. For example:
- Emotional Distance: Avoidance can look like emotional unavailability, but it’s often a way to cope with overstimulation or fear of conflict or any other unmet needs in childhood and however they display. (I think it’s important to note neurodiverse or not, our childhoods are often the greatest contributing factor to our attachments and tendencies as an adult.)
- Self-Focus: What looks like narcissism might actually be someone seeking validation after years of feeling unseen or invalidated (which can often stem from childhood, as well.)
However, while the root cause may be different, the impact can still be harmful. This is why self-awareness is so essential—not just for your own growth but to prevent unintentionally hurting others.
How to Navigate These Behaviors
Recognizing these patterns—whether in yourself or others—is the first step. Here’s how to approach it:
- Reflect on the Root: Ask yourself (or encourage others to ask), What is this behavior protecting me from? What need am I trying to meet?
- Practice Self-Compassion: Recognize that these behaviors are adaptations and not character flaws.
- Set Boundaries: Even when behavior is rooted in neurodivergence, it’s okay to set boundaries to protect your emotional health.
- Seek Growth: Self-awareness and support can help shift maladaptive patterns into healthier ones.
The Impact on Relationships
When these adaptations go unrecognized, they can strain relationships, leaving both parties feeling misunderstood. For neurodivergent individuals, this can create a cycle of rejection and self-doubt. But when approached with understanding and boundaries, these dynamics can shift.
If you’re navigating these challenges, finding a community that supports you can be life-changing. We’re building a community on Insight Timer– with a free weekly live event to gather in community, share resources and space to explore self-awareness, self-compassion, and resilience, helping you grow through these challenges with the support of others who truly understand.
Healing Through Awareness
Recognizing these patterns isn’t about assigning blame—it’s about creating space for growth. Whether you’ve exhibited these behaviors yourself or been on the receiving end of them, healing starts with awareness.
Also, adaptations are not who you are—they’re how you’ve coped in and through your past experiences and environments. By bringing these patterns into the light, we can honor the needs they were trying to meet while creating healthier, more authentic ways of connecting with ourselves and others.
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