The woman I see in front of me, in the reflection of my laptop’s screen is radically different than anyone I’ve ever known. She is assured and focused. Playful. Ritualistic. Loving. Curious. Slower to respond… Softer in every response.
Days have gone by filled with the true beginnings of meditation and yoga… The curious delight, the transformative feeling, the pull to return to that inner paradise.
And suddenly, I’m here. January 19th, 2022. I’m 28 years old. I’m the strongest physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually I’ve ever been.
The journey is not what I thought it would be. It is somehow better. And simpler- more forgiving but rougher around the edges. This journey has been divine in every right. Every surmounting piece of this mosaic of who I am today was so intricately woven into my journey. It’s one of those things we can really only appreciate in hindsight.
Look back at your life. All of it. Each seemingly meaningless moment leading into the next- making magic, laying seeds for a future no one would expect.
I always loved origin stories. Crossed paths. My heart has been seeking the origin, the meaning of all of this for as long as I can remember. I have become deeply honest because I seek this honesty. I value integrity because it has built me a fortress within. An impearable fortress of me-ness. Showing up for me, taking care of me, loving me, laid brick on top of brick until it was whole. But I, who had built it, had already been whole all along. This very realization was another defining moment on the journey to this very reflection- this strong woman who stares back at me when the screen rests blank. Every pause I take, to think, to fidget, to grab more water, I return to myself. Again and again. On many levels.
It has been this returning to, loving on, and being myself that has brought me here. But also the opposite.
Days that feel an eternity away now still plague my subconscious. When I first rise, just before bed, I find myself falling into the realms of my deep inner conscious where everything is tied by chain. Every moment from my past, good and bad lays there, against the cellar walls. I splash warmth, music, and surrender onto the cool stone and loosen the chains with my breath, feeling my spine ease and untie just as the chains do. Bit by bit, comes lavender and sage sent in by the sun to stain all the old memories anew. Yes, this all happened. But now we are here. Releasing these things does not make them cease to exist, it merely unshackles it all to be truth. Truth- uncontorted or uncontrolled by my nostalgic grip. Inside me is a child who did not feel safe enough to let go. I honor her by doing it now. Releasing everything from my subconscious until it’s just a sun-soaked room with a window. I fill it with daisies, roses, lilies, daffodils, hydrangeas, wildflowers, and careful seeds of love, respect, compassion, honesty, gratitude, grace, adventure, kindness, authenticity, connection, and peace. So much peace that it fills every edge of my being and overflows into every room I enter, onto the laps of those sitting and waiting, into the hands of babies sleeping nearby, into the horizon, onto your grandmother’s windowsill. I’ll send them on your behalf, I don’t mind at all, I have so many. Just be sure to plant yours too, so we can all have gardens together. Gardens that overflow onto everyone we do and don’t meet, each other’s families, each other’s neighbors. Gardens that feed our souls goodness for all of eternity, in infinite abundance.